Why Did I Always Stay in Environments That Made Me Uncomfortable
Lately, I find myself thinking about this often.
Why was I never able to leave environments that constantly made me uncomfortable?
It started early
I have been this way for as long as I can remember.
Even while living in an exhausting family environment,
instead of trying to leave,
I chose to hide inside my room.
Going outside felt more dangerous.
Staying still and enduring seemed less painful.
Looking back now,
it was not because I lacked courage,
nor because my will was weak.
At that time,
I only knew how to survive
within that environment.
Why I couldn’t let go of relationships
The same pattern repeated itself in my relationships.
Even when there was conflict,
even when it felt uncomfortable,
even when I was hurt,
I couldn’t let go easily.
I stayed close,
even choosing silence,
even choosing not to express my feelings.
There were times when I felt so lonely
that I spent time with people I genuinely disliked.
At some point,
I believed that was better than being alone.
Now that I think about it,
I wasn’t holding onto people themselves,
but onto the feeling of being connected.
What remains after connection disappears
I was alone.
I was lonely.
I needed the feeling that someone saw me positively.
So I poured a great deal of my heart into relationships.
But in the end,
I was hurt within those relationships
and found myself alone again.
Each time,
it felt as though the problem was always other people.
Now, it looks a little different.
Things are different now
I am not the same as I was before.
I no longer wish to reconnect
with people who have left.
I don’t feel the need
to hold onto those who have distanced themselves.
It’s not that I’m never curious
about how they are doing.
But I also know
that finding out wouldn’t change anything,
and would likely only leave me feeling worse.
In the end, the problem wasn’t “people”
There is something that has finally become clear.
The issue was not
who was by my side,
but whether I could remain well,
as myself,
even after people left.
There were many moments
when I pushed myself back
into uncomfortable environments
simply to endure loneliness.
Now, I am stepping back from that pattern
and practicing different choices.
Where should I place myself?
Where should I place myself?
What kind of environment should I allow myself to be in?
I am beginning to understand—
perhaps later than I wish—
that choosing an environment
matters more than choosing people.
An environment where I don’t collapse even when I’m alone.
A place where I don’t lose myself
even when someone leaves.
I don’t have a perfect answer yet.
But at the very least,
I no longer throw myself
into just any place,
the way I used to.
In closing
I am still lonely.
I still feel unsteady at times.
Even so,
I have decided not to endure environments
that hurt me
without question.
That choice alone
places me somewhere different
from where I once stood.